Not a psychedelic experience, but an entirely different set of feelings; somewhere I've been before, and I find myself here again.

BY indefiniteloop

Some days are plain old gloomy. No raindrops, no wind, no sun, no heat, no nothing but a maddening type of stillness. Some days you wake up from your dreams; dropped into, and drenched within this stillness. It’s not empty, or a void. It’s filled with premonitions, and it’s full of gut-feelings of the wrong type; full of the unexpected-expected kind of dread; full of unwanted foresights. No recollection of words, wisdoms or lies would be able to bring about movement within this gloom. It’s a silent marker of things changing; for better or for worse. It’s a harbinger of decisions, and their makings.

At first, it resembles a slow-downing of sorts. As it builds up, it becomes a well of questions piled upon each other; one after the other. You tend to slow down at first, then halt entirely; you fall. It is only then you notice the forks in the road, under you. You’ll be lucky if you see these at a time when it’s easiest to choose. You’ll be in luck if you’ve been here before; fallen before.

Invariably, the amount of time you spend at these crossroads, will be an indicator of how much you really did not want these crossroads to appear; of this stillness to grip you, and lift you off your feet without any warning. You’ll also feel overwhelmed, alone, powerless, weak, and everything will weigh you down. So, you’ll sit there, in that stillness, gathering up the nerve to move forward. Again, if you’re lucky enough, you may get hit by a bus, and the choice of the fork to take would not be yours to make.

Forking forks in the road going up.
What goes up, has to come down.

The more you sit here, the more comfortable it’ll get. The more you sit here, the more difficult it gets to move. Sometimes, you’ll lose your sense of direction, before you choose a fork to walk on. As more times passes by, within this stillness, you’ll start pretending to wait for a sign to show you the way forward; that sign, may exist or may not exist. That sign may find you or it may not. With or without these signs, the decision still will be yours to make.

Waiting here, is not all that bad though. It does even out those doubts, quenches your greedy hunger, and more than anything else, it does bring about a certain degree of clarity. It forces you take a step back, to take a step out, which affords you a view of your destination again. But, wait too long, and this gloom starts to bury in within you. Wait too short a time, and you find yourself at yet another junction; that, pretty soon too!

Whenever you find yourself here, wait for a decision to come up in your gut. Once that happens, you move. You take that first step; be it an easy or the most difficult step forward ever - point being, the gut’s telling you to move. Heed that voice. Take that call. Choose a fork, and move forward.

And, when you finally find yourself ahead of the crossroads, you’ll feel lighter, composed, and healthier. Maybe even a bit wiser. Take that lesson the foresight bought you; accept its gift. When you finally find yourself walking, after making a choice, never look back. Never ever look back. You already know where you’re from.

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