For the past four months or so, I’ve distanced myself from everything, and almost everyone. You see, I came to realize that I was upholding appearances at a time when ‘holding up appearances’ was something I detested while holding them up. I was being a total hypocrite; for the sake of my loneliness, and some other reasons that I still don’t completely understand. As time went on ahead with its charge, I began to realize the hypocrisy within. I accepted it. Then affirmed myself to let go of it; let go of doing things for the sake of doing them, let go of meeting, and interacting with people for the sake of it, let go of everything for the sake of my lonesome, loathsome self. By far one of the best decisions made, so far this year. I totally stopped fooling myself into thinking that I wasn’t lonely, by becoming a hypocrite. If you can’t make real connections with someone or something then will you force yourself to do so? I did, for the longest time ever. I stopped, and here’s what I found at the bottom of the barrel.
I am lonely. So are most of you. And it’s not a sad thing, not a bit of sadness or self pity exist here. Only you do. You come face to face with yourself. It sure is comfortable here; good for a pit stop of sorts, before moving on. It’s calm, breezy, and warm here. There’s no one, and nothing to upset yourself but you.
At first though, the fall itself is filled with (maybe) painful revelations. It’s very akin to a mirror, only more in depth. Maybe like a MRI machine for your mind. As the fall ends, all the pain vanishes. All appearances vanish. You’re left bare, and self-malleable. There’s a lot of self-potential here. You’ve a ton of choices to make, and get uncomfortable again, but you can rest here for a while.
It’s not lonely. It’s filled with lively conversations, debates, fights, and a whole lotta selfish self-tough-love. And, all that need of being with someone other than yourself, to hide within - that need, it vanishes. You begin to enjoy your time with you. You start becoming alone, only to realize that you ever were. You stop becoming lonely, only to realize that you never were. You breathe easier, you dream better, your decision making skills improve, so do your instincts. You get an idea of who, and what you want around you. You get a clearer picture of what you want out of your own self. It’s a very potent brew within this barrel, made better with age.